Loss and Love
by TristasPhoenix
Summary: After the summer, Lily had changed. All of her friends are worried about her, but she ignores their attempts of help. James doesn't know what to do. CAUTION: contains elements of self-harm DISCLAIMER: I own nothing but the OCs


She was losing her grip on reality. Ever since _it_ happened, she hadn't been able to focus or live. She told no one of her troubles, of course. She was too proud for that. She simply thought that maybe after some time, she would go back to her regular self: top of the class, happy, not afraid to show her emotions, etc. Unfortunately, that day seemed too far away for her. She barely even wanted to go to class anymore. She had to force herself to eat and drink so her friends wouldn't be too suspicious. She went to bed early and rose late, claiming that she was "tired" if anyone asked. She even had to force herself to stay downstairs with her friends. This made her feel even worse because, even though she loved all of them – one particularly more than the others – she just wanted to be alone.

Her friends noticed this, of course. Ever since the return from summer, they noticed how much paler her skin had become, how much weight she had lost, the ever-present dark circles under her eyes, lack of her genuine smile and the angry red marks on her forearms she tried to hide with her shirt sleeves. They all wanted to help her, they really did, however none of them knew what to do. If any of them offered her some help, she'd brush them away politely, stating some bogus excuse that she could handle it.

The third week into the new term, Remus had had enough. He hated the fact that one of his closest friends (outside the Marauders) was hurting so much but refused help. He remembered being like that when he was younger, but his friends had pulled him through. Sadly, her case seemed much more severe than Remus' was at eleven. He followed her until she got near the library, where she stopped to put her hand on the wall. Remus frowned as he got closer. He knew as well as the others that she wasn't eating enough. It was a wonder that she managed to stay upright at all.

"Lily." Her head flicked up when she heard Remus call her name. She didn't want to turn around. She didn't want to face him. In fact, she wanted to run out of the situation that was about to confront her, but her head was still spinning and her legs were shaking slightly.

As he got nearer, Lily turned her head slightly to face him. "Hi, Remus." She tried to smile, but her body was too tired.

"Lily." Now that he was closer, he saw the effect of her behaviour on her face. Her usually bright green eyes were dull and dark. Her cheekbones became a prominent feature on her face and her lips were pale and chapped. Her hair was frazzled and dry, far from the luscious mane that caused his best friend to moon over her.

"What's going on, Lil?" he asked softly.

Lily blinked. "What do you mean, Remus? I'm fine," she said with an innocent tone, tilting her head a little to try and ease the spinning.

"Lily, come on. We know something is wrong." His words made Lily's false smile falter for second. "All of us know. Even Sirius and he isn't the sharpest tool in the shed."

Lily looked down, her arm at her side and her other hand clutching her books tighter. "I'm fine." She had spoken through her teeth, feeling her brain go slightly fuzzy and her vision darkening at the edges.

"No, you're not!" Remus was more urgent now, his hand on her shoulder. He winced inside at how bony it had become and urged her to look at him. "You've been acting strange ever since we came back from summer. Something happened and we want to know so we can _help you_!"

Lily's head snapped up, her clenched teeth bared and her eyes glaring at him. "Leave it, Remus!" she snapped. "There's nothing you can do so just-"

Her face rearranged with great speed. What was once anger was now nausea. She dropped her books and pushed her hand to her mouth. She took a step back but was uneasy on her feet. Her brain was more incomprehensible now and her hearing and sight became tunneled. She fell to her knees and felt Remus' hand on her back. From somewhere far away she heard Remus call her name but she didn't respond. Instead, she released her hands and let her bile fall onto the floor in front of her. Remus lead her body away from the bile and settled her so she leant against the wall. Just before she passed out, she could have sworn she heard another voice yelling her name.

When she awoke, it was dark. Looking around, she saw she was in the Hospital Wing. Candles were lit against the wall and the waning moon shone through the window above her head. She lifted a hand to her forehead. Her fingers were cool against her warm brow. She was grateful that her eyesight and brain had cleared up but in its wake left a huge headache. Keeping her right hand on her forehead, she went to get a glass of water. As she went to move her left hand, she noticed that someone was holding it. Shocked, she turned to look at the person. A mess of black hair and the way her small hands were clasped in his told her who it was. He was facing away from her, but she knew he was still wearing his glasses and his mouth would be open. She smiled softly and turned to lay on her side – the lack of nausea made her once again thankful to Madame Pomfrey's miracle with potions.

With her right hand, she gently stroked his hair. He moved once but didn't wake up, so she did it again. And again. And again. Pretty soon, she was sure she was petting him, but he didn't seem to mind.

"Lily . . ."

A sigh. He had just said her name in a sigh. Her heartbeat quickened somewhat and she moved her hand to her chest to somehow calm it.

"Lily."

This time it sounded choked. Like he was crying over her. She didn't want that. She didn't want anyone crying over her. It wasn't worth it. Trying to soothe him, she put her right hand on his cheek, to assure him she was safe. As soon as she touched him, however, his head snapped upright and he stared at her. His glasses lopsided and his hazel eyes wide in shock. His mouth hanging open with some slight drool at the side. There were also tear tracks on his face as well, and it pained her to see them. Not saying anything, she lifted her hand and wiped the tears away, swallowing her own that threatened to burst forth.

"Lily!" This time, when he said her name, it was a quiet joy. His right hand squeezed her left and he smiled.

Lily returned his smile and went to respond, but her mouth felt incredibly dry. Looking at him, she pointed to the water jug on the bedside table with a pleading look in her eyes.

Catching her drift, he responded with, "Oh, of course," and let go of her hand to pour her some water. Lily realised sadly that her left hand felt shockingly cold when he let go, but she didn't complain. When he had poured the water, he lifted her head and put the water to her lips. Her weakness had shocked her when she tried to grab the glass to do it herself so she took advantage of his kindness.

When she was finished, she rasped a quiet, "Thanks, James."

James set the glass back on the table and resumed holding her hand, as if it was a normal thing to do with them. She felt her hands warm again and she smiled. "So," he said, his hazel eyes locking with her green, "how do you feel?"

She thought for a moment. "Better, I suppose. How long was I out?"

"About a day and a half," James stated.

"Really?" she asked, shocked at how long she was unconscious for. "What happened?"

"You passed out." His eyes became stern as he looked at her over his glasses. "Your body couldn't cope with the lack of food you've been eating and with all the stress you're under."

Lily felt guilty and looked away from him, looking anywhere but his face. She felt him lift her arm and thread his fingers with hers. When she turned to face him again, she saw that he was stroking her arm. Her arm that was full of scratches from her nails. His face was pained as he gently stroked her arm and she felt guilty once again.

"Why?" he whispered. His pain was clear through his voice and Lily didn't want to add to it. However, she couldn't lie to James. She had lied to him her entire life, but he always knew when she was lying.

"I couldn't cope." Her voice was soft. She had tried to admit it in the quietest way so he wouldn't hear, but her confession was easily heard in the silent Hospital Wing.

"Tell me."

Lily wanted to cry. She wanted to cry so much that her tear ducts burned. No matter how much she wanted to cry, she couldn't. She hadn't cried during the summer. She felt that she couldn't physically produce any tears. Instead, she looked at James and gestured that she wanted a hug. Taking off his shoes, he climbed onto the bed and hugged her. His body heat warmed her up as he did. She felt cocooned and safe in his arms. She tried to hug back, but her arms were too weak. She took a chance then. With her face against his neck, she whispered the cause of her erratic behaviour.

"My parents were killed."

James stilled when he heard Lily's silent confession. He felt her body shake and he instinctively held her tighter, as if he was protecting her from her words.

"It was a car crash. They were going to the shops, and some boy racer collided with them head on. They all died. They were buried a week before school started. Petunia inherited the house and said that I couldn't live there anymore."

That was when the first tear fell. It was quickly followed by another and soon the dam had broken and she was sobbing openly into James' shoulder. James felt his heart break at her sobs but he knew she had to purge all of the pain before she could feel any better. He rubbed her back in a soothing manner and held her more securely against his chest.

"She-She said that she o-only put up with me because of them." Lily was literally gasping for breath now, clutching James' shirt tighter. "She kicked me out of the house." Another sob and gasp for air. "What am I going to do?!"

James held her until he felt her sobs subside. As she quietened down, he pressed small kisses onto her head. Between each kiss, he muttered something along the lines of "It'll be okay", "Hush, love" and "I'm right here". When she ran out of tears, her grip on his shirt loosened and she looked up at him. James couldn't help but be mesmerised. Her face and lips were pinker, her eyes sparkled with tears and even though there was a small snot issue, he was sure he had never seen her more beautiful.

Gently, he pressed another kiss to her forehead and asked, "Why the scratches, Lil?"

She looked away from his eyes, sniffling as she did so. "They took my mind off of my problems." She hated feeling weak, but that was what she was feeling. "Part of me was tired of living, so I didn't want to eat or drink and the pain kept reminding me I was alive, in some way."

James felt conflicted at her confessions. Part of him wanted to be angry at her for trying to stop living. Another part was distressed at the thought of no Lily and another part was trying not to kiss her for her bravery at her telling him.

"Lily," he began, not sure where he was going, "please, don't ever think like that again." He caught her chin and forced her to look into his eyes. "Believe me, I couldn't handle not having you around. None of us would." He moved his hand to her cheek and wiped away some of her tears. "We all love you, Lil. I probably do more than most but we love you."

Lily felt her eyes tear up again and smiled. He just told her that he loved her. Something she subconsciously knew but was never sure of. Moving her hand from his back, she placed it into his hair, silently loving the feel of its softness over her fingers. She pulled his head down and kissed him. It was a peck at the most, but it warmed her insides and she felt loved.

"I love you too, James, and I'm sorry," she whispered against his lips before kissing him again.

James smiled against her lips and tightened his hold on her. Ever since he knew he fancied her, he had been dreaming of this moment. Of course, by this stage, it was more than fancying. He was in love with her, and it was mutual.

They had kissed for several minutes before they broke apart. They each yawned and laughed, never taking their eyes off each other. Stretching out his arm and pulling the blanket over them both, James shuffled under the covers and moved themselves into a comfortable position. Lily snuggled into his chest and yawned again.

"G'night, Lil," James said, dropping another kiss on her head.

"Nigh' James," she responded, already near unconsciousness.

Soon after, the pair fell asleep in each other's arms.


End file.
